Big Girl Pill Read online

  “Shouldn’t be. I told you I ran into her the other night at Scandals. I’m actually sorry I didn’t try to get to know her sooner. She’s interest…” Rachel’s voice trailed off.

  Nina looked at her cousin. “What?”

  “I know you and her are trying to get the friendship thing going again, but you’re good with us hanging out in the meantime, right?”

  That feeling Nina experienced a minute ago came back harder. Jealousy. And she had no business being jealous. None at all. “Yes, that could be a good thing.”

  “Hope so. Now, go sit down. I’ll bring your food when it’s done.”

  Nina nodded and went to the table. Drew didn’t say anything, and he didn’t look up from grading when she sat down. Instead of disturbing him, Nina watched Rachel, thinking. A million questions filled her head, and all of them she was afraid to ask.

  **

  Maya practically stomped down the basement stairs. She caught T’s gaze midway. He stared up at her.

  “Is there some reason you sound like a herd of elephants?” he asked.

  “It’s barely after ten,” Maya growled at him.

  “So?”

  “Don’t you have class?”

  “I decided not to go.”

  “So, you’re lighting up instead?”

  He grinned. “Yep.”

  She didn’t want to end up with a contact high, so she sat down on the last step and acknowledged that Winston might have been onto something about their brother. “You don’t see anything wrong with that?”

  He shrugged.

  “You know he won’t say anything until he thinks he has to, but Winston’s worried about you.”

  “He knows I smoke. Hell, it’s practically legal around here now.”

  “Yeah, he knew you smoked every once in a while, but you’re acting like it’s a main food group. What’s going on with you?” She frowned. “Because now I’m worried, too.”

  T put his vaporizer on the coffee table. “You haven’t been home for three months.”

  “I know that, but, hell, we talked almost every day.”

  “That’s not the fucking same. I know that might not seem like a long time to you, and maybe I should’ve come to visit. I’m not blaming you for anything, but you’re usually gone a month, tops.”

  Maya sighed, got up and sat down next to him. “I don’t wanna make this about me.”

  “It’s kinda too late for that. Lay your shit out for me and I’ll do it for you.”

  “We used to tell each other everything, regardless.” Maya rested her head against his shoulder. He was stiff with tension.

  “Shit changes, I guess. For both of us.”

  “Yeah.” Maya closed her eyes for a moment and when she opened them again, she started talking. The situation with Nina, her plans to fix it, and everything she’d been feeling poured out.

  When she finished, he shook his head slowly back and forth. “Woo, so it’s like that, huh?” He sat, shoulders slumped, and he was either concerned or just stoned. Worry and weed looked roughly the same on him.

  “Unfortunately.”

  “And you think putting yourself through the wedding is going to help you get over this?”

  “That’s the plan.”

  “Don’t take this the wrong way, but have you lost your fucking mind?”

  She half-laughed. “No. Don’t think so. It’s just what I gotta do. I really think it’s the only way. Then, maybe I can concentrate totally on the friendship.”

  “So, we’re clear. Your idea is to torture yourself with this wedding stuff to the point where you don’t feel for her anymore.” T huffed. “And then go back to being besties?”

  “I guess.” Maybe he was right. It did sound insane, but it seemed the only alternative was to cut Nina out of her life completely, and she wasn’t sure she could handle that, either. That would probably hurt worse.

  “You’re that in love with her?”

  “I don’t know what to call it, but whatever it is has been sitting in the background since college. Every time I see her, it jumps out at me.”

  “So, maybe the answer is not to see her.”

  “That’s even worse.”

  T leaned forward and picked up his vaporizer. “You need this shit a lot more than I do. Don’t you have that dress thing today?”

  She pushed his hand away. “I’ll deal with it. Your turn. Spill.”

  For a long time, he just stared at the vape in his hand. “You don’t talk about Ma and Daddy like you used to. You still think about them, right?”

  “Yeah, we were just talking about them the other day—”

  “Winston brought them up.”

  “Oh, well, I think about them all the time, even more when I come home. I feel closer to them when I’m here.”

  “You think they’d be proud of you?”

  “I hope so. I wonder sometimes how they’d handle the whole lesbian thing, though.”

  “I think Ma would have been fine with it, but Daddy would probably have needed some time.”

  “Maybe.” She had envisioned the conversation a million times since she turned seventeen, sure it would have included tears and hugs all the way around. “Why are you asking?”

  T hung his head. “I don’t think they’d be too proud of me. I’m living at home and Winston’s paying for everything.”

  “You’re in graduate school and you’re almost done. Where’s all this coming from?”

  He sighed. “Out of all the things I could be doing with computers, I’m trying to break into the video game industry.”

  “Nothing wrong with doing what you love.”

  “Yeah, but I feel like a failure. I applied for paid internships at Epic, Atomic, and Insomniac. They’re all in North Carolina, and none of them wanted me.” T whispered the last words. He looked away, lips trembling.

  The expression on his face made her ache. Maya held onto him tighter. “I’m sorry. And you’re not a failure. Sometimes it takes a while to find your way in somewhere.”

  “I don’t wanna end up at some no-name company. I’ll never get anywhere.”

  “Well, it’s their loss.”

  “Mmm,” he muttered, his expression doubtful. “You have to say that because you’re family.”

  “The fuck I do.”

  He snorted.

  “Hold up. Why didn’t you apply to companies outside the state?”

  “Uh, because I live here?” He looked at her like she’d grown another nose.

  “You can live anywhere. Why are you restricting yourself?”

  He dropped his gaze. He didn’t need him to say more for her to understand. “I get it. It was hard for me to leave, too, and I’m just in Chattanooga.”

  “I don’t know if I want to leave.”

  She hadn’t been, either, but she didn’t want to belittle his experience by comparing it further to her own. “Whatever you decide, Mama and Daddy would be proud of you. You’re smarter than all of us combined.”

  T smiled. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. Plus, you’re twenty-three and still a virgin. Mama would love that,” she teased.

  “Shut up.” He pushed her toward the other side of the couch. “I’m not.”

  Maya laughed. “Uh-huh, right.”

  He rolled his eyes at her and picked up his phone from the coffee table. “Speaking of fucking, I got a meme for you.”

  “See? Virgin. I bring up sex and you’re talking about memes.”

  “Again, shut up.” He shoved his phone at her.

  She stared at the image and laughed again. Ever have sex while camping? It’s fucking intents. Maybe if she didn’t have a little contact high that wouldn’t be so funny. Regardless, she was going to text it to herself and post it on Facebook, anyway.

  “I know, right?” He reached for his Xbox controller. “You wanna play Gears of War with me?”

  “Okay. I guess I can let you beat my ass.” She smiled and grabbed the other controller, glad to see he didn�
��t seem tense anymore. Too bad that talking with him hadn’t alleviated some of her stress. But at least she wouldn’t have to think about the fitting for a little bit. He started the game and she leaned back on the couch and settled in, glad for the distraction.

  A few hours later, Maya closed the door to her SUV and started the engine.

  “I still think we should’ve taken Uber,” Rachel said as she got in, “so we could’ve gotten shit-faced after.”

  She shrugged, her stomach clenching again, but as they crept closer to downtown Asheville, she regretted not doing just that. She had no idea how she was going to react to seeing Nina in all her white, frilly glory. These were the times she missed the familiarity and support of her parents the most. Her throat burned like she’d swallowed glass and all the pieces were now piled in the bottom of her stomach piercing her from the inside. Seeing Nina like this would totally gut her, but all of this was supposed to hurt like fucking hell. Desensitization. Right?

  She pulled into the parking garage near the venue and got a space. It took a few moments for her to get out while Rachel walked around to the driver’s side. “Judging by the look on your face, we are so getting shit-faced anyway.”

  “Maybe,” Maya croaked. “We’ll see.”

  “Let’s wait a few more minutes.” She gently squeezed her arm.

  “I really look that bad?”

  “Bad enough, and you’re about to be hit with a major truth bomb. The trick is to suck it all in and let it explode out of you later.”

  “I’m working on it. You, however, sound like you’ve done this before.”

  She shrugged. “Apparently, I’m a lot to handle. I’ve had to deal with being disappointed more than once. I’ll have to tell you about it sometime. The shit is hilarious,” she deadpanned.

  “Mmm, I bet.” She activated her car alarm and did her best to pull herself together. “Let’s do this.”

  “You sure?”

  “Too late to go back now.”

  Rachel hooked her arm through Maya’s. “Then let’s.” They neared the parking garage exit. “Look at the bright side.”

  “And that is?”

  “We’ll have lots of comic relief there.”

  Maya stopped and stared at her. “What? What comic relief?”

  “Aunt Sarah.”

  “I don’t even know how to respond to that.” She chuckled.

  “You know I’m right.”

  “Maybe.”

  They emerged onto a busy sidewalk near Haywood Street. While the heat hit them in the face, the lack of humidity made it bearable. Maya looked out at the blue-gray tinged mountains in the distance and soaked it all in for a minute, letting it calm her.

  “C’mon,” Rachel said. “The hippies and hipsters are starting to stare at us.”

  “Yeah, okay.” She started walking again.

  “I know something that might make you feel better,” Rachel said. They’d barely gone a block.

  She wasn’t sure she wanted to know, because Rachel was prone to some strange fucking ideas at times. She gave in. “What?”

  “Drew has a way of...taking over Nina. He’s really smooth about it, but it’s gotten worse. I don’t like it and I’m really starting not to like him.”

  That just made her feel incrementally worse and sadder for Nina than for herself. Still, it was damn good to have her observations validated. “Yeah, I know, but how is that good news when it’s gonna be really shitty for Nina?”

  “He’s not good for her. I give him a couple years and he’s gonna start treating her like Aunt Sarah does.”

  Maya pulled her arm away. “So, what do you want me to do? Put on a cape and swoop in like some fucking hero?”

  “Yes. Exactly.” She grinned.

  “No. No fucking way. What is wrong with you? Did you get into my brother’s stash?”

  “I wish. Really, I’m not encouraging you to be a homewrecker. But when you were close, she was different. This new Nina isn’t the real one. She can’t be. I mean, she’s getting married, for God’s sake, and she barely talks about it. There’s minimal enthusiasm at best. They're not even going on a honeymoon. The ceremony is on a Saturday and then it's back to work on Monday. That’s just beyond weird.”

  “You’re confused about the whole making-me-feel-better thing.” She stopped and gave her a look. Anger mixed with a big swig of helplessness nearly choked her. Nina was making a conscious choice in all this. Who was anyone to question it? Despite everything that Nina had said to her the other day, they were nowhere close to the relationship they used to have.

  “I’m sorry. It just made me feel better to talk to somebody about it.”

  “Well, maybe I’m not that person you should be talking to about it.”

  “That might be a good point.”

  Maya smiled. “So, I’m gonna have to pay for twenty-four-hour parking. We’re definitely getting shit-faced.”

  Rachel clapped her hands together. “First couple rounds are on me.”

  They started walking again, until Rachel gestured at the storefront.

  “We’re here.”

  Maya looked up at the sign above the doorway. Something New, Something Blue. The moment seemed surreal. She stared up at the sign and traced the wording with her gaze. “Is that in Comic Sans?”

  “No, but will mocking it make you feel better?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  “Then it’s definitely Comic Sans.” She opened the door.

  Maya held her breath as she stepped inside. The interior looked like what she imagined any other dress shop would be like, filled with yards of pastels, whites, and bold-colored fabrics that were supposed to be the epitome of femininity. She wasn’t feeling that at all. It was definitely a positive that the fitting was by appointment only, because if she lost her shit, she wouldn’t have a ton of witnesses. At least the dressing rooms were close by. She could lose it in one of those if she had to.

  Sarah Sterling suddenly appeared, blocking them from going farther. Her face was blotchy red as if she were an inch away from a stroke, and her lips had completely disappeared, leaving an angry line above her chin. She grabbed Rachel’s arm and tried to pull her away. Rachel plastered a fake smile on and just held on to Maya tighter.

  “Stop that,” Sarah said, motioning at their clasped hands. “What if somebody I know sees you?” She flounced her hair. “I’m an important person in this city, and I won’t have you slinging mud on my name by acting—” she gestured again at their hands—“like that.”

  “Aunt Sarah. So nice to see you.” Rachel stepped forward and commenced air-kissing her cheeks, even though Sarah tried to step away.

  Oh, shit. Was Rachel for real right now? Maya had never seen anyone handle Nina’s mom like this. She wished for popcorn so she could sit in the back and watch the show, but Rachel still held onto her arm.

  Maya could have detached herself, but this was just too good.

  “I have to tell you, though,” Rachel said, “I’m pretty sure people noticed us. I got three high-fives on the way here.” She smiled with extra-fake sugar. “I mean, look at her. I’d high-five me, too.”

  Nina’s mom clutched at her imaginary pearls. If the tomato red of her face was any indicator, she really was about to blow. “How dare you—”

  “Nice to see you again, Mrs. Sterling.” Maya’s voice was somewhere between loud enough to get attention and soft enough not to overwhelm.

  “Excuse me?”

  Mission accomplished in Operation Distraction. “I said, nice to see you again, Mrs. Sterling.” This woman was all about appearances and control, and while Rachel’s hilarious antagonism was funny, it didn’t keep the peace. So Maya simply handed control back to her in order to defuse the tension from Rachel’s grand entrance.

  “Oh.” Their gazes met, but Sarah looked away quickly. “Thank you.”

  Rachel snorted.

  Sarah ignored her. “Well, you’re right on time. We should probably get started.
” She strode toward Nina, who Maya just realized was already there.

  “That was pretty good,” Rachel whispered, but Maya didn’t respond because Nina stood in the middle of the shop, looking like a deer caught in headlights. At first, Maya thought it was because of Sarah’s overbearing presence. Then, she remembered she and Rachel were still holding hands. That’s what Nina’s gaze honed in on and then she turned away. The cold lump in Maya’s stomach that had been with her all day sank in a little deeper.

  “Guess I’ll go get super sexy,” Rachel said. “See you in a bit.”

  Maya nodded, but Nina held her full attention.

  Thankfully, Sarah was talking to one of the saleswomen. Maybe it would give her and Nina a moment of semi-privacy. She pulled away from Rachel and joined Nina. “Hey.”

  Their gazes met, but Nina’s was just as fleeting as her mother’s had been. “H—” Nina cleared her throat. “Hey.”

  “I’m sorry I haven’t called more. I’m not sure what the proto—”

  “It’s okay. Looks like you’ve been busy.” Nina’s expression cooled and she pointed toward Rachel.

  “What is that—”

  “That’s enough time wasted. We need to get started,” Sarah said.

  Maya ignored her. “Nina? What’s going on?”

  “Excuse me,” Sarah announced. “She has more important things to do, like planning a wedding.” She pulled Nina away and Nina seemed to let her, shooting a glare at Maya as she walked away.

  What the hell? What right did she have to be mad?

  “What do you think? Is this my color?” Rachel asked. She was clothed in pale pink, sauntering out of one of the dressing rooms. She put her hands on her hips and posed at one of the floor-length mirrors. “Didn’t think pink would work, but, damn, I look good.” She caught Maya’s gaze in the reflection and her smile disappeared. “What’s wrong?”

  Maya shrugged and threw her hands up. “Nina.” “What do you mean?”

  “No idea. Maybe I breathed wrong? I don’t fucking know.”